Further Adventures ...

Something is wrong with me. No matter, it’s all in my head. I live my life in chaotic disorganization shooting from the hip: ready, fire, aim. Nothing to worry about. It’s all in my head.

I am mentally ill. But it’s all in my head?!

There are also things right with me. I am smart. (Well, let’s say intelligent. I don’t think I’ve ever been smart.) I am creative. From when I was a boy I searched for my medium. I could have been an artist or a musician. Finally, I discovered books. I became a writer. And then a published writer. I showed promise. But it was all in my head.

Somewhere I zigged instead of zagged. The negatives consumed the positives. A shadow spread over my life and consumed me. Over the years that shadow had different names. Melancholy. Depression. The one that stuck, authoritatively delivered by a psychiatrist: bipolar disorder. My formal diagnosis. A disorder. A mental illness. It was all in my head.

My life got worse. I can’t even say with certainty that it’s finally getting better. I’m 50 years old nowhere with nothing.

My start point, it’s all in my head.

My life has held confusions that have pulled me backward to the point of infancy. A baby 50-year-old. Not a funny joke!

But if it’s all in my head is it real? Is it real because it’s in my head? When is something real and when is it an illusion? Ancient sages say all life is an illusion. Not practical information when you have three months back rent to pay … and no job.

The big question: When is a mind mentally ill? Maybe an even bigger question: Can I create my own reality through positive thinking when the instrument that does the thinking doesn’t function as it should? Am I out of luck because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, plus too many years of ingrained, unproductive training?

All in My Head is the story of how I come to answer these questions. I’m writing this post; I haven’t finished writing the book. That means I haven’t discovered all of the answers. In fact, I’m just discovering the real questions.

Knowing there’s an incredible amount that I don’t know – about my own mind – is a good enough place for me to start.

Stay tuned to Further Adventures.

GregAmosWrites a book titled, All In My Head

Just got back from a quick morning walk. There was a moo-cow close to the fence along the farm road. On impulse I went over to pet her. The following is a transcript of what ensued.

Greg: Oow! The moo-cow bit me!

Cow: Greg. You’re a 50-year-old man. I think you can stop calling us moo-cows.

Greg: Holy crap! The moo-cow can talk!

Cow: Nevermind.

Stay tuned to Further Adventures.

Depression is a beast with razor-sharp claws & pointy incisors. The beast attacks me, digs those fangs into me, uses its claws to tear at my soul and doesn’t, never wants to let go.

When I’m depressed time stops. A simple scratchy throat can make me think life is hopeless and the only solution is suicide. The intensity of the depression dictates how close I get to trying to end my life.

Obviously in these moments my brain is not functioning properly. No way should I be making or acting on decisions – because my brain just isn’t working.

The real solution is an active support network, including mental health professionals. The real solution is activity, even, or especially, when moving feels like I’m immersed in molasses. I need to do anything that makes me feel good: listen to music, dance, take a motorcycle ride, pet my cats, go for a walk in the sun. Sometimes I might even need someone to drag me out of bed. The key is to find a way, any way to ride out the storm.

Setting up my rescue system when I’m mentally healthy is critical. I can’t do it when I’m feeling bad. Then make the system automatic. It has to spring into action without me doing anything. Because most likely, when I’m feeling bad I won’t be doing anything, won’t be able to do anything. Brushing my teeth is sometimes beyond my capabilities when I’m feeling bad.

Depressed, I’m not strong enough to on my own engage in the day-to-day activity that is living and dealing with all life throws in my face on a regular. I need help. The more I’m blocked from asking for that help, the more urgent the need for it.

And when the depression finally leaves - because I’ve been taking my meds and listening to my therapist and doing what all of my support people say and sometimes just because I’ve been holding on with all my strength until the beast tires - the thick, poisonous fog lifts from my head. I can breathe again. I can see and hear and speak again. I can walk and live without someone holding my hand again. I can look in the mirror and see me again … and smile.

“A great civilization in not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within.” 

This quote by philosopher Will Durant prefaces the Mel Gibson movie Apocalypto. I watched it for the first time last night (actually watched it twice, back-to-back). Gibson directed and produced. 

The plot encompasses the small world of a village in the rain forest and the history of new world exploration (read exploitation) by Spanish conquistadors. Basically, the Mayan civilization is headed downhill and they think that their way to salvation lies in cutting out hearts and cutting off heads of villagers captured from the forests bordering their city. (Gruesome stuff, I know.) One of the captives (Jaguar Paw) gets away and leads 9 Mayan warriors on a chase through his forest. Jaguar Paw turns the tables on his former captors and becomes the hunter. The movie ends with the arrival of Europeans and Jaguar Paw making the wise decision to take his family deeper into the forest to “make a new beginning.” 

A fantastic movie.

I wonder what movies about the United States will be made in the next 20-100 years. … And by whom.

Why does fridge have a ‘d’ in it, but refrigerator doesn’t? I get so confused!

Monster.com works really well at finding jobs for you based on the keywords you provide. I gave them “writing” and here are some of the jobs they chose for me:

•Basis Solution Specialist

•IT Security Manager

•Vehicle Maintenance Manager

•Mechanical Inspector 2nd shift

•Environmental jobs, Project Manager /Project Engineer, Remediation, Site Operations & Building Manager

—really!?

Since I never know what I will do actually I’ll make this announcement with qualifiers.

I may be back on the writing stick.

Been making lots of notes for a novel.

Also, saw The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and was mesmerized and inspired by it. I’m gonna read the book, but the short of it is, I want to create something equally compelling.

From the angle of reverse inspiration, while I was I’m the theater I saw a poster for the upcoming movie Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer. Really? Hey, it may turn out to be fantastically entertaining, but the premise alone makes me think, well why can’t I?

I’ll keep you appraised of my progress. And of course, if I don’t post anything for another 6 months it means I haven’t written squat.

But let’s take a positive track.

Stay tuned to further adventures.

—gregamoswrites (?)