Further Adventures ...

Day Four.

This is all the blog post ya gettin’ today. I dare you to tell me I’m not forming my writing habit. That’s all I’ve been doing.

I was up until about 5:00 am writing “yesterday’s” post and working on my other writing projects. I spent today interviewing students on the awards they had won in the Columbia School District in Lancaster, recording their accomplishments, preparing to cover a story on a bio-diesel motorcycle and brainstorming story ideas for brushless direct current motors (huh?). 

I’m zonked. Nothing profound or witty or urbane coming out tonight.

Need … sleep … now.

But wait, let me say this as a prelude to tomorrow. While I feel professionally fulfilled from all the work activities in which I’m engaged, I feel hollow personally for that which I expressed yesterday. I posted this in varying forms previously, whether we like it or not, the universe always gives us what we need for our advancement. I must remind myself that I asked for the exact situation I’m in currently at the beginning of this year. To make it worse, it’s gonna last all year.

It’s what I need, like it or not.

Mental growing pains.

Stay tuned to Further Adventures.

gregamossleepshopefullysoon!

Day Three.

New mantras, new mottos and a re-dedication to meditation. (I.e. Another way to sing: I just checked in to see what condition my condition is in. (I love that.))

Folks have commented and congratulated on how transparent and open my writing is. Thanks for sure. Truth be known, if I can be so open about what I’ve been so open about, imagine what I’m keeping secret. We all have secrets. (I bet even the great JC sneaked away occasionally when Mary was dozing, when the 12 were running full-court pick-up b-ball (Judas: “no one ever picks me”), or when his dad was at work. Yep, I’m blaspheming, but hey he was a man, although way higher up on the food chain.

Just remember before you get your britches in a brunch: my url, my space to tell. But check it, in the left gray margin where it says “Huh?!” and below that “Submit to/too.” Those are ways you can zing me back your opinion of my opinion. I mean, we all have ‘em — like a certain part of our anatomy, as my brother is fond of pointing to.)

But that’s not my special purpose. I want to let yall know that at certain times I may be cryptic intentionally. I am not yet into totally outing myself regarding things I do of which I am not proud, yet — believe it or slurp it — continue to do.

What gives, right? Well, how many of us know we shouldn’t put so much salt on the fries we shouldn’t even be eating?

Well that’s what I’m talking about.

No! I’m not talking about putting salt on fries. Come on, keep up! I’m talking about continuing to do things even when we know we shouldn’t be doing them. I’m talking about being human. “I’m not an animal, I’m a man!” Yeah yeah yeah, same difference.

Point is, despite at times being cryptic, my hope is that even a less astute reader will be able to glean a modicum of wisendom, a useful kernel out of my journal, i.e. dig the vibe re that on which I scribe and say, “hmm, maybe this chucklehead’s got a point.” Who knows, something as insane as this … just … might … work.

And even if there ain’t no deep meaning, I got my writing practice in for today, n’est pas? Plus, I’m meditating. I’m using my mantras, marshaling the energies of the universe (not to mention the energy of my ancestors), which, no matter the question, always answers back “you got it, bubba” for strength to do what is best for me. Being human is a process. It starts today.

Bring it! (said with gusto) is a positive affirmation intended to attract good stuff into my life. Yeah, I’m pacific about what I want. No, that ain’t none of your business either. Maybe after I get it, I’ll share. For right now, it’s for me to know … nah-nah nah nyah.

I can tell you this: it goes back to love — my theme for these few weeks. I have to learn to love myself. What I do when I don’t love myself ain’t all that pretty (so why would you want to know about it anyway? ‘Cuz you’re all a bunch of nosy sons o’ carpetbaggers, that’s why.)

By the by, I would love tips on loving myself. If anybody really wanted to be helpful and reproductive, that would be a great start. Otherwise, as I’m sure somebody’s mom out there is fond of saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, shut ya pie hole!”

Stay tuned to Further Adventures

gregamoswrites, plus

Didn’t do anymore writing, but I spent a lot of time meditating. We’ll let our earlier post stand as Day Two.

Here’s my meditation. It’s from the novel Shogun by James Clavell (p. 593). I read it in 1986 and it has stuck with me ever since. Yeah, I’ve had it memorized for years.

“Karma is karma. Be thou of Zen. Remember in tranquility that the Absolute, the Tao, is within thee, that no priest or cult or dogma or book or saying or teaching or teacher stands between Thou and It. Know that Good and Evil are irrelevant, Inside and Outside irrelevant, I and Thou irrelevant, as are Life and Death. Enter into the sphere where there is no fear of death or hope of afterlife, where thou are free from the impediments of life or the need for salvation. Thou art thyself the Tao.  Be thou, now, a rock against which the waves of life rush in vain. …”

Stay tuned to Further Adventures.

gregamoswrites … and meditates.

Because I think I have a lot to say and will come back here later to do an official Day Two of 66 post.

Right now, let’s just call it to-day.

I’m caught in what I’m beginning to describe as a continental drift of the mind-soul.

That means, I don’t know where I am, I don’t know who I am. But apparently I’m going someplace. I’m supposed to be controlling all this.

There is only one thing that I do know. I know what I have to do. I am supposed to love myself. When I finally achieve that, I will have arrived. I’ll be at peace and I’ll be ok. Yes, this means that to date, loving myself is something I do not do.

Until then, imagine huge land masses bumping up against each other and then bouncing apart to float somewhere else.

This is how I feel now, suspiciously similar to how it looks outside, partly cloudy with a chance of rain. 

There is a reason this post is cryptic and amorphous — I’m confused. Like I say, there is only one thing I know for sure. The what. I certainly don’t have a handle on the how.

Well, I do have clues on the babysteps to take. Today, I will bathe myself and anoint myself with scented oils. (That’s a metaphor. I’m gonna put on lotion when I get out of the bath. I will make a conscious effort to do it meditatively and lovingly.) I will feed my body. I will wash the dishes in my sink. Maybe I’ll do a load of laundry. Like the book, Chop Wood, Carry Water. Every act should be an act of meditation.

I am a child (read that carefully: not like a child). Maybe a step forward I have taken is having that recognition.

Stay tuned to Further Adventures.

gregamoswrites.

Day one … again.

Sixty-five to go ‘til I’ve got a new habit. (Four out of five psychologists agree it takes 66 days and not 21 to form new habits.)

Those who have been following have undoubtedly realized I fell off the wagon or horse or whatever it was I rode in on. This is my first post since Sunday.

Can we end this week already?! Despite a couple of highlights it has not been a good one. I’d better not provide details.

Well, I can provide a few details on highlights.

1) First published news story as correspondent for the Intelligencer Journal / Lancaster New Era newspaper. (Front page, B section, above the fold no less.)

2) Went morcycling today: thank goodness for sun & the ability to forget while on two wheels.

3) I got my glasses adjusted so now they don’t fall off my face whenever I look down. (Is my head getting smaller, i.e. less brain? or did my fat head stretch out my glasses? Nothing good comes from this line of reasoning.)

4) Picked up a part for the bike so now I can finally fix the saddle bag that has been broken for months.

If at least one of these sounds like a good highlight, imagine the lowlights that put me in a net slump

There is something standing in my way. Who’da thunk it, it looks surprisingly like me. Go figure.

I remember a college professor wondering about me, “why is he trifling?” The only thing that’s changed 31 years later is I wonder the same thing.”

But here we go. I’m climbing back onto the wagon and into the saddle. Yippee-kayeaaa mutha_____!

Tonight calls for the meditation of writing, mechanical work & a long hot bath. Tomorrow, the meditation of yoga, more mechanical work & more writing. Plus I’m convinced I’ll need to meditate for the rest of my life to find any semblance of the wholeness & peace that to date has eluded me.

Oh, I have to start eating better too.

Hopefully after 66 days writing will have become my best meditation. After all I am a writer.

It could be worse. The world could have ended last night, according to some clown. Then where would I or any of us be?

All I know is somebody better act like they wearing a dress!

Stay tuned to Further Adventures (I mean, since the world didn’t end and all)

—gregamoswrites (again)

Day Three and a Half.

I missed yesterday and there was really no reason that I should have.

That being said, I did a lot of writing yesterday, the evidence of which appears in today’s newspaper!

I am carrying on smartly.

Stay tuned to Further Adventures.

—gregamoswrites … and publishes.

Day Three.

Yesterday I was on the road from 10:00 am ‘til 3:30 am. I tweeted from a few strategic locations and at a couple of milestone moments. Other than that, I knew I wouldn’t get a moment for any blogging. But boy did I get a lot of material (don’t worry, we have all next week). I was also inspired in a number of ways.

The occasion was my niece’s graduation. She is now an official MSW. Her day coincided with what would have been my mother’s 75th birthday. I visited her before going to the graduation. (She says hi to all yall, by the way.) It was only the second time I had been to the grave since the funeral and the first time I saw the headstone. 

I think of my mother all the time. I dream of her 4-5 times a week. They’re all great dreams where we talk about the life subjects we always talked about or where we’re involved in some activity that was typical for she and I. At one time we had a whole rollerskating crew and early Saturday mornings we would gather cousins, nieces, nephews and friends with their kids and go skating. 

I wasn’t expecting the melancholy that overcame me at the grave site. I spoke with her. I asked her how she was doing. Assumed the answer was that she was well. I asked her how I was doing and I asked for her help in continuing to progress and grow. Because, as you’ll find out, I do need help.

I felt at peace … something I rarely feel. I guess that means she spoke back to me, answered my questions and said that yes, she would help … continue to help.

There are things I missed growing up. I know that. But I don’t know quite what it is I missed. I just know that too frequently I don’t feel like a grown man or a responsible, mature adult. Long moments of that cropped up yesterday. 

When I went to buy flowers for my mother (which I had forgotten beforehand. Geez, what kind of son am I? First time visiting the grave in eight years and I don’t even bring flowers!?) anyway, my debit card was declined. Turns out my bank account was overdrawn. (Oh yeah, that happens way too frequently too.) I had about $80 in cash. Paid for the flowers and felt like a better son as I placed them on her grave. 

But then, after I got a bit of lunch at a NJ Turnpike rest stop on my way to my niece’s apartment, I realized that again, par for my course, I was stretching my resources way too thin.

Realistically, I shouldn’t have left home.

I had a 1/4 tank of gas, the car’s check engine light has been on for the past two weeks, I’m at least 12,000 miles overdue for an oil change, I had no clue how much the celebration dinner would cost and I would have to make sure I could put enough gas in the car to make it back to Lititz, PA. Oh right, and my checking account was overdrawn, remember?

I had already told my brother that I was ok financially. I didn’t want to go back on that. It was bad enough he wasn’t giving me any more mints because I was being a smart-ass. Obviously that’s another story.

So I did what to-date I always do. I winged it.

My therapist tells me I need to build more margin into my life’s activities. Buffer zones of “just in case.” This trip was certainly a case in point.

Dinner was great. I loved it. I was thrilled to be there. 

After I paid my share, I had $11 for prayerfully enough gas to get me back to my front door. Luckily I would buy gas in Jersey where it’s markedly cheaper.

Lots of you reading this will say, “why didn’t you say something, I could have given you something.” Yeah, I know. But I didn’t want to say anything, shouldn’t have had the need to say anything. I was thinking a lot about why.

Here’s the way it should have been: get car serviced last week (check), pay all my month’s bills (check), ensure there is $500 in my checking account in case something goes wrong (check), have a credit card in case something goes wrong (check), have $100 in my pocket for food and stuff (check), and show up at my niece’s door with a gift (Geez, what kind of uncle am I?). 

The fuel light came on just as I turned onto my street.

People tell me I’m lucky and I suppose they’re right.

Yeah, I have a lot of work to do.

Fortunately, folks (like my mother from wherever she’s watching over me) are still helping.

Carry on Smartly — some of us have to —

and stay tuned to Further Adventures.

—gregamoswrites.

Day Two.

Ok, so technically I missed a day … already. But only technically because it’s 2:30 am and I haven’t yet been to sleep. That means I’m writing this before I’ve completed the day after I wrote my first post. Yep, and I’m sticking with that too.

Like it or lump it, believe it or slurp it.

However, I will concede that I should have gotten to this much sooner. My Day Two was not very productive at all. Circadian rhythms are off, stars out of alignment, I don’t know what, but I’ve been staying in the bed too long and then not really doing too much once I’m up. I won’t go into detail because it’s scandalous in its degree of boredom.

Believe me, I got enough to do and ain’t none of it boring. In fact, it’s all monumental, life-changing and exciting. Maybe that’s the ticket. Maybe I don’t want to change my life. Maybe I like being Joe Schlomoe spending 85% of his life between his bed and couch. Won’t be able to do that when I’m a dynamic power player working on multiple, multi-million-dollar projects.

That resonates as a core truth to me. Another truth: intrinsically I don’t like being Joe Schlomoe. I am Captain Power and the Quantum Element combined. There ain’t no need for a secret identity. Problem is, sometimes we grow too accustomed to the ruts we’ve created for ourselves. Growth must occur and we’re dragged kicking and screaming all the way.

What am I afraid of? All of my self-analysis, reflection and meditation tell me that I am smart, capable of doing anything I set my mind to. The problem then becomes that I don’t set my mind to do anything. I am standing in my own way. (Another point I talked about at my seminar last week.) In this regard, I’m not merely blocking greater success as a writer. Who knows what more I’m capable of?

I don’t think being bipolar is the culprit here. Instead, it’s a psychological problem. Being bipolar sometimes gets in the way of seeing deeper psychological problems.

Somewhere between birth and adulthood I picked up insecurity and unworthiness complexes. Now, those have to be cleansed from my system. A whole regimen of mental retraining is needed. 

I’m gonna go on a psychological fast and cleanse. Out, out damned complexes!

See what I mean about journey of self-discovery. This is a 66-day exercise in forming a writing/blogging habit, and here I am learning how to remake myself into a more powerful being. Seems like I’m winning, or winning more, or winning better already.

Kizmet! (More on that later.)

Stay tuned to Further Adventures …

—gregamoswrites … and grows (as do we all, which is part of the point of sharing).

Day One.

I’m turning myself into a new person. As such, I’m going through a process, part of which I’ll share with you. In my writing seminar last Saturday (Thanks to all those who supported me!) we spoke about forming new habits. Contrary to public opinion, it takes not 21 days to form a new habit, but depending on the habit, can take up to 66 days.

We talked about writing regularly and about how it didn’t matter how many days it took to form that habit, because if we were writing everyday day, that was the end of it.

Well, I figured I’d better put my money where my mouth was. Hence “Day One.”

There’s a lot of other stuff going on in my transformation that I suppose I’ll be sharing over the next 66 days. Part of what I want to learn is: what is “Brand Greg Amos”? Yes! I’m gregamoswrites, but I’m so much more. How many of you knew I am a world-famous comedian? Yes indeedy!

So as I become a real blogger by blogging every day (for the next 66 days) I’m going to become something else too. 

Buckle your seatbelts and hold out your cups. The Kook-aid’s coming down the aisle as we go for a ride!

Definitely stay tuned to Further Adventures …

—gregamos-does a lot more than-write