The Further Adventures of gregamos (aka, this stuff really happens to me)
Something is wrong with me. No matter, it’s all in my head. I live my life in chaotic disorganization shooting from the hip: ready, fire, aim. Nothing to worry about. It’s all in my head.
I am mentally ill. But it’s all in my head?!
There are also things right with me. I am smart. (Well, let’s say intelligent. I don’t think I’ve ever been smart.) I am creative. From when I was a boy I searched for my medium. I could have been an artist or a musician. Finally, I discovered books. I became a writer. And then a published writer. I showed promise. But it was all in my head.
Somewhere I zigged instead of zagged. The negatives consumed the positives. A shadow spread over my life and consumed me. Over the years that shadow had different names. Melancholy. Depression. The one that stuck, authoritatively delivered by a psychiatrist: bipolar disorder. My formal diagnosis. A disorder. A mental illness. It was all in my head.
My life got worse. I can’t even say with certainty that it’s finally getting better. I’m 50 years old nowhere with nothing.
My start point, it’s all in my head.
My life has held confusions that have pulled me backward to the point of infancy. A baby 50-year-old. Not a funny joke!
But if it’s all in my head is it real? Is it real because it’s in my head? When is something real and when is it an illusion? Ancient sages say all life is an illusion. Not practical information when you have three months back rent to pay … and no job.
The big question: When is a mind mentally ill? Maybe an even bigger question: Can I create my own reality through positive thinking when the instrument that does the thinking doesn’t function as it should? Am I out of luck because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, plus too many years of ingrained, unproductive training?
All in My Head is the story of how I come to answer these questions. I’m writing this post; I haven’t finished writing the book. That means I haven’t discovered all of the answers. In fact, I’m just discovering the real questions.
Knowing there’s an incredible amount that I don’t know – about my own mind – is a good enough place for me to start.
Stay tuned to Further Adventures.
GregAmosWrites a book titled, All In My Head